Heartaches

It has been hard lately, but nothing worth doing is ever easy. My little girls have been sick with a virus the past few days and have started acting out, (their little world has drastically changed the past few weeks) and that has greatly reduced our fun outings lately. Thankfully Philip has taken her some places. Santa has also realized that we can not be her parents. We met with some other host parents the other day; the mom is from Ukraine and speaks Russian. We were able to talk about things with her that we would have no possible way doing by ourselves. This mom, being from the same program and knowing what to say and what not to say, was able to explain a lot of things to her. We kind of figured that she was wanting us to have her, but it is so hard to explain things to someone who doesn't speak English. (She has definitely learned a lot though, she can now understand simple phrases and respond back.) She now understands that we are too young to adopt her. (Both parents have to be 18 years older) She was very disappointed. It is very hard to know what any of the children are thinking thinking if you don't speak their language. Some children come on the program with no thoughts of adoption, they just think this is a vacation. It is presented to them that way because legally New Horizons for Children is just a hosting program. But sometimes, there are children that have seen other kids from their orphanage go on the program and then eventually have a family adopt them. I wasn't sure at first what her expectations were because she has mentioned her mom a few times and that she sees her occasionally. But we now know that it was a situation of neglect and she has been at the orphanage since she was 8. She told us that her mom was not a good mother and that she drank too much. She really doesn't want to go back to the orphanage. She wants to live in America.

After knowing more details of her past and neglect, (some details I haven't mentioned here because I think she doesn't want the past to define her), I am struggling with how to mentally deal with that info. Feelings of anger, judgement, compassion, understanding, feeling helpless to "fix" the problem and many more thoughts have gone through my mind lately. Mentally and emotionally exhausted describes how I feel lately. I have really had to rely on God these past few days. I know that He wanted us to host her this summer and advocate for her. I have to leave the rest up to Him. He loves her more than we ever could and has her future in His hands. But letting go will still be hard.

So we have been dealing with a broad spectrum of behavior from her lately, from her bursting into tears at something seemingly small to acting like she is excited to go back and show off all of her "things" to her friends. The desire for things has kicked in this week. I know that part of it is survival mode. She knows that no one will get it for her over there. She knows we care for her and asks us to buy her things. She is stocking up. I try to look at it from her perspective, but sometimes it is hard when she is always asking. I know she is trying to set herself up the best she can, and she is trying to go back and look good to the other kids in school. She has shared that there are some kids at her school that tease her. It is practically impossible to explain to her that one's self worth isn't based in the value of their things or their value in others eyes. These are life lessons that no one has taught her. Needless to say, we've avoided stores lately, it makes it easier. It is a hard balancing act when you want to show her that you care, but you can't buy her everything she wishes. She's pretty good when we say no, she doesn't push. She understands about price and if we say that something is too expensive. But, that doesn't stop her from asking for the next thing that catches her eye. She needs a family to teach her about love. A family that will show her love isn't just about buying things for a person, but that love is soooo much more. I don't think she can fathom that kind of deep love yet, she doesn't have that background or basis. But, I know she can learn. She understands that we still love her even if we don't buy her something. I don't see this as a big problem, she just needs a mom to walk her through it, to see love like that, and to experience it. She is a wonderful girl and would blossom in a family.

I know that she is very sad. She told us that she cries sometimes at night when she goes to bed. (My heart is so heavy) But, mostly she is her usual bouncy self during the day. I think she is a pro at compartmentalizing and just "putting the hurt on a shelf." She'd rather laugh than cry. I wish I could communicate with her better and help her learn and understand so many things. I've had to deal with the frustration that I can't teach her everything in just 5 weeks. But, I do know that she now knows the love of a family. She knows that there are moms out there that do care. She knows from experience that if mom gets upset I don't go out and get drunk. She knows that if Philip and I have a disagreement, he doesn't just leave and not come back. She knows the attention of grandparents. She has seen and experienced the model of a Christian family. And hopefully, she knows that God loves her. (We have been highlighting many passages in her Bible.) I know that this is invaluable to her. I pray that it is life changing.

So the exhaustion has set in. (I'm being honest here) I struggle with feelings of looking forward to Sunday when she goes back, because I don't think I can handle the emotional roller coaster anymore. (But it's like that with all teenagers! lol) And then I feel EXTREMELY guilty for feeling that way. I do love her and want to protect her from the hardships she experiences. And most of the time I feel like, how can I just let her get on the plane and go back to that situation? The round and round of emotions is exhausting. My friend Kimberly, who is hosting as well, shared this verse. Galatians 6: 9,10 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people..."

(I know that some families have shown interest in her, but so far nothing has really come of it. I am really thankful though that these families have expressed an interest. I just have to trust that God will do all the rest in His timing.) We will just have to pray that one of them will host her during the next hosting season at Christmas. She wants to hear us tell her "I love you" all the time right now. She tells us and the girls all the time. We are trying to build her up as much as we can during the past few days. We are telling her that we will continue to keep in touch through email. I look forward to the opportunity they have given us to be able to send her a care package at the end of August when NHFC goes back to conduct more interviews for the next season. We ask for your prayers, we know Sat and Sun will be difficult.

Sorry this has been pretty wordy this time, (and I know there are a bunch of grammar mistakes, forgive me.) but I had a lot to get off my chest. We did have a lot fun the other day taking her to the Yellow River Game Ranch. She loved being able to pet the deer and all kinds of other animals. We went with my sister and a friend. It was a fun group with a bunch of little kids and one big kid! She also wanted to sit on the front row of church on Sunday! She told us she likes church and would miss it. We have taken her swimming as much as we can and expect much more in the next 2 days. It's her favorite thing to do. We have also had fun packing her suitcase full of things to take back to all of the kids at her orphanage. I wish there was a big enough suitcase so I could make sure they all have winter coats. Her suitcase is already becoming stuffed with candy, pens, pencils, hair clips, barrettes, bookmarks, and stickers. It makes me smile to think of them enjoying these little presents. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. =)