Heartaches

It has been hard lately, but nothing worth doing is ever easy. My little girls have been sick with a virus the past few days and have started acting out, (their little world has drastically changed the past few weeks) and that has greatly reduced our fun outings lately. Thankfully Philip has taken her some places. Santa has also realized that we can not be her parents. We met with some other host parents the other day; the mom is from Ukraine and speaks Russian. We were able to talk about things with her that we would have no possible way doing by ourselves. This mom, being from the same program and knowing what to say and what not to say, was able to explain a lot of things to her. We kind of figured that she was wanting us to have her, but it is so hard to explain things to someone who doesn't speak English. (She has definitely learned a lot though, she can now understand simple phrases and respond back.) She now understands that we are too young to adopt her. (Both parents have to be 18 years older) She was very disappointed. It is very hard to know what any of the children are thinking thinking if you don't speak their language. Some children come on the program with no thoughts of adoption, they just think this is a vacation. It is presented to them that way because legally New Horizons for Children is just a hosting program. But sometimes, there are children that have seen other kids from their orphanage go on the program and then eventually have a family adopt them. I wasn't sure at first what her expectations were because she has mentioned her mom a few times and that she sees her occasionally. But we now know that it was a situation of neglect and she has been at the orphanage since she was 8. She told us that her mom was not a good mother and that she drank too much. She really doesn't want to go back to the orphanage. She wants to live in America.

After knowing more details of her past and neglect, (some details I haven't mentioned here because I think she doesn't want the past to define her), I am struggling with how to mentally deal with that info. Feelings of anger, judgement, compassion, understanding, feeling helpless to "fix" the problem and many more thoughts have gone through my mind lately. Mentally and emotionally exhausted describes how I feel lately. I have really had to rely on God these past few days. I know that He wanted us to host her this summer and advocate for her. I have to leave the rest up to Him. He loves her more than we ever could and has her future in His hands. But letting go will still be hard.

So we have been dealing with a broad spectrum of behavior from her lately, from her bursting into tears at something seemingly small to acting like she is excited to go back and show off all of her "things" to her friends. The desire for things has kicked in this week. I know that part of it is survival mode. She knows that no one will get it for her over there. She knows we care for her and asks us to buy her things. She is stocking up. I try to look at it from her perspective, but sometimes it is hard when she is always asking. I know she is trying to set herself up the best she can, and she is trying to go back and look good to the other kids in school. She has shared that there are some kids at her school that tease her. It is practically impossible to explain to her that one's self worth isn't based in the value of their things or their value in others eyes. These are life lessons that no one has taught her. Needless to say, we've avoided stores lately, it makes it easier. It is a hard balancing act when you want to show her that you care, but you can't buy her everything she wishes. She's pretty good when we say no, she doesn't push. She understands about price and if we say that something is too expensive. But, that doesn't stop her from asking for the next thing that catches her eye. She needs a family to teach her about love. A family that will show her love isn't just about buying things for a person, but that love is soooo much more. I don't think she can fathom that kind of deep love yet, she doesn't have that background or basis. But, I know she can learn. She understands that we still love her even if we don't buy her something. I don't see this as a big problem, she just needs a mom to walk her through it, to see love like that, and to experience it. She is a wonderful girl and would blossom in a family.

I know that she is very sad. She told us that she cries sometimes at night when she goes to bed. (My heart is so heavy) But, mostly she is her usual bouncy self during the day. I think she is a pro at compartmentalizing and just "putting the hurt on a shelf." She'd rather laugh than cry. I wish I could communicate with her better and help her learn and understand so many things. I've had to deal with the frustration that I can't teach her everything in just 5 weeks. But, I do know that she now knows the love of a family. She knows that there are moms out there that do care. She knows from experience that if mom gets upset I don't go out and get drunk. She knows that if Philip and I have a disagreement, he doesn't just leave and not come back. She knows the attention of grandparents. She has seen and experienced the model of a Christian family. And hopefully, she knows that God loves her. (We have been highlighting many passages in her Bible.) I know that this is invaluable to her. I pray that it is life changing.

So the exhaustion has set in. (I'm being honest here) I struggle with feelings of looking forward to Sunday when she goes back, because I don't think I can handle the emotional roller coaster anymore. (But it's like that with all teenagers! lol) And then I feel EXTREMELY guilty for feeling that way. I do love her and want to protect her from the hardships she experiences. And most of the time I feel like, how can I just let her get on the plane and go back to that situation? The round and round of emotions is exhausting. My friend Kimberly, who is hosting as well, shared this verse. Galatians 6: 9,10 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people..."

(I know that some families have shown interest in her, but so far nothing has really come of it. I am really thankful though that these families have expressed an interest. I just have to trust that God will do all the rest in His timing.) We will just have to pray that one of them will host her during the next hosting season at Christmas. She wants to hear us tell her "I love you" all the time right now. She tells us and the girls all the time. We are trying to build her up as much as we can during the past few days. We are telling her that we will continue to keep in touch through email. I look forward to the opportunity they have given us to be able to send her a care package at the end of August when NHFC goes back to conduct more interviews for the next season. We ask for your prayers, we know Sat and Sun will be difficult.

Sorry this has been pretty wordy this time, (and I know there are a bunch of grammar mistakes, forgive me.) but I had a lot to get off my chest. We did have a lot fun the other day taking her to the Yellow River Game Ranch. She loved being able to pet the deer and all kinds of other animals. We went with my sister and a friend. It was a fun group with a bunch of little kids and one big kid! She also wanted to sit on the front row of church on Sunday! She told us she likes church and would miss it. We have taken her swimming as much as we can and expect much more in the next 2 days. It's her favorite thing to do. We have also had fun packing her suitcase full of things to take back to all of the kids at her orphanage. I wish there was a big enough suitcase so I could make sure they all have winter coats. Her suitcase is already becoming stuffed with candy, pens, pencils, hair clips, barrettes, bookmarks, and stickers. It makes me smile to think of them enjoying these little presents. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. =)

The beginning of the end already?

Yesterday Santa said that she only had 11 more days with us. She was a little sad while she sat there looking at the calendar. I gave her a big hug. I didn't know what else to say other than, "Yes, I know." She knows that we will miss her. It is so hard to know that her time in America is coming to an end. We are hearing from others who are hosting that the other kids are starting to deal with this as well. I'm sure the difference from being with a family and then going back to the orphanage is going to be very shocking to Santa's system and will be a difficult adjustment. I want, so badly, to tell her that I'm doing everything I can to get her story out there in hopes of finding her a forever family. But I can't, it's against the rules. It would falsely raise her hopes and cause her more pain in the long run if things don't work out. We are doing all that we can and leaving the rest in God's hands. So, we are beginning to look for a suitcase for her to take back all of her clothes and supplies. And true to Santa's usual happy-go-lucky-way, in the span of a few minutes she was excitedly asking about what kind of souvenirs she could take back to her friends at the orphanage.

Last Thursday Santa really wanted to go ice skating. We took her to one of the ice skating rinks in Atlanta. (There aren't many.) Anyways, She loved it! And I did too! It really was something to walk in out of the southern July heat into an ice rink where you needed a jacket and gloves. It was very refreshing. It's been months since the last time I was chilly. Santa can skate pretty well. And I did pretty good for a southern girl who has never seen more than a couple of inches of snow and never seen a body of water frozen solid. (Except for the one experience in ice skating I had before when I was younger.) I only fell once. =)

An then the next morning we did the complete opposite. We went to a water park! Santa was in hog heaven! This was her dream! She loved every minute of it! We barely sat down the whole day. We went on as many rides as we could in that span of 6 or 7 hours. She even dragged me on a couple that I didn't really have any desire to go on! I mean really, why do people think going down a slide that is practically a free fall something they consider fun! LOL But I did it! And she laughed at my screams. =) Hannah had a blast too. She was big enough to go on a few rides as well. No fear! (We left Kayla with Philip's mom. I'm glad because we wouldn't have been able to do as much if she had come along.)

So the next day Philip and I were pretty sore. We had just been ice skating and then spent all day at a water park. We also were starting to get colds, because of the extreme differences in climate in just a couple of hours and all the physical exertion. We were exhausted, so I'm glad she found one of my aerobic DVDs. (Which I need to be doing on a regular basis, but oh well, sorry, I've been busy.) ;) So there she was bouncing around our den doing the work out video. Oh to be a teenager again with endless energy.

This Sunday we tried something new. Philip's Aunt belongs to a church that shares their property with a Russian congregation that holds their services in Russian. So we went that afternoon. I think Santa really enjoyed it! She seemed happy to listen. I'm glad she could understand the music and message. (I now know what it feels like to sit in a service and not know what is being said.) But, it was great to sit there and observe these brothers and sisters in Christ lifting up His name! I participated as best I could. We did know the text because they put the verses up on the screen in Russian and English. And even though I barely understood a word, it was truly a huge blessing to me. How can you not be blessed when you see the people of God proclaiming His name and His Word! (At one point, when the pastor lifted up the Word and greatly emphasized something that he had just read, I wanted to shout "Amen, preach it! I don't know what you just said, but Amen!" But I refrained.) =) This was truly a sweet congregation of brothers and sisters in Christ. They welcomed us warmly and eagerly spoke to Santa asking her lots of questions. We may even go to a pool party later with a group of teen girls from that church. I pray that God spoke to her through something she heard. I do know this though, God's Word does not return back to Him void or empty and will accomplish what He desires. (Isaiah 55:11)

Today Philip took Santa to work with him. I'm sure she will love seeing what he does at our church and also like meeting a bunch of new people. She really is a social butterfly and thrives on developing relationships. We look forward to these last 10 days of her visit. We still have more fun outings planned for her as well. Please pray for her, I'm sure the closer the time comes for her to go back to Latvia the harder it will be for her. We are earnestly praying that God will provide for her a forever family. We are doing all we can to advocate for her and for all of the children who haven't found their families yet and are "available" this summer on the hosting program. (Note: Available is a tentative word. New Horizons for Children is not an adoption agency, but can direct people in the right direction, and can advocate for these children while they are hosted in America. There are about 40 of them) Take the time to read their bios and pray over them. Pray that God will use all of us to lead them to their forever families in His perfect will. Share this link with any one who is interested in the lives of these special orphans! (I'm having trouble getting it to be an active link, so copy and paste it in you browser bar.)

http://picasaweb.google.com/nhfcteam/Summer2010RemainingChildren?authkey=Gv1sRgCJ3noNLFwJPNdw#

The theme this week seems to be "Beauty week!"

I just finished having a manicure done by Santa. We pulled out all of my nail polish, plus some that she has received from a couple of people who wanted to give her a little welcome present. All of us girls were in Santa's room looking at nail polish and trying to decide what to do with our nails. I told her to do whatever she wanted to mine. She is very creative! Currently my nails are hot pink and sporting blue polka dots!!!! LOL!

We are having a blast with Santa. She likes to be very active and usually asks me what's the plan for each day. Whew! I know she wants to enjoy every minute of her stay in America. But, we've had to explain that there needs to be some "down" or quiet time each day. And that we still live in this house and I need to do housework and such. She understands and has even helped me out with dishes and has taken out the trash a couple of times too! I try to keep our calendar full because I know her time with us is limited.

Monday we took her to the salon. My sister is a stylist and offered to do her hair. Santa loved having her hair washed, cut, and styled. She didn't want much done to her hair, just a trim. But, it was a big deal to her. We found out that she loves having her hair touched and brushed. I've tried to do that for her a few times since then. Because, who knows how often she has had that simple loving touch. Probably not very much at all. It made me think about how many of us probably take for granted that we had a mother to brush our hair when we were little.

During week two we also were prepared for her to test her boundaries. We were told to expect it probably the second week. It's only natural for children to learn their boundaries. She tested us a little last week, but it really wasn't that bad. I mean she had to know if we mean what we say, if no means no, and do we stand our ground if she pushes. It's very normal for all children to do this. Good grief, my own children who know me do this from time to time and drive me nuts! (And they know that if they whine and cry or beg me for something, that's it, you just sealed you fate, it's definitely NO now.) LOL! So a little bit of pouting and begging when it was time for bed didn't phase me at all. She saw that I was not a push over and that was that. I'm happy that it really wasn't that bad. She's a good girl.

We also hosted one of the Russian chaperones, Elena, last Friday The chaperones are the adults who travel with the children and stay here in America during the 5 weeks. The children need to check in with their chaperones periodically while they are here. And if possible spend a day with them as well. Santa's Latvian chaperone is too far away so we spent the day with Elena. We took them bowling. Santa had a blast! There was some strong competition going on there between all of us, LOL! We had so much fun. We all really enjoyed it! We went swimming afterwards too. We still go swimming just about every other day. She can't get enough of it! She just lights up when she is around a pool or is swimming.

This Sunday we had a little sad time with Santa. During the last worship song before the message, she started to cry. I was really shocked because it was so unlike her. I just held her while she cried. I started crying because I could feel her sadness but didn't know what was wrong. I knew it would be very hard for her to communicate was bothering her. So, I just sat there, held her, stroked her hair and prayed over her. I'm glad I could comfort her even if I didn't understand what was wrong. It was just a little time of sadness and she was bouncing around not long after that. Philip almost didn't believe me when I told him because he was in the sound booth during the service, and afterwards she acted just fine. Later I tried to ask her what was wrong and she just nodded and said that she was okay. I asked my friend Inga, who is fluent in Russian to come over so we could know what had made her cry. She was a little shy about telling us, but she said she was thinking about all of us and about how much she would miss us when she goes back to Latvia. Oh, Lord help us. This child is precious. I so desire for her to have a family she can call her own. It's going to very hard to let her go. But we knew that going in to this. God's plan for us is to have her for just a little while, but hopefully we can be a stepping stool to her forever family.

We are looking forward to the rest of our time with Santa. I can't believe that we are already halfway through! I'm so happy we had Inga come over the other day. After she has translated we know we understand each other better. She just glows afterward! There are no misunderstandings and we know we're "on the same page." (Which makes me laugh, because we found out that the books in her Russian Bible aren't in the same order as ours. We counted the books and chapters. And found where we wanted her to read. We thought we had highlighted some verses in Psalms for her, but it turned out we highlighted something in Isaiah!) LOL Anyways, Inga helped us understand that and more. We also asked her what she really wanted to do while she was here. And if possible we would try to make it happen. She said if she could do anything at all it would be to go to an American water park! So, I knocked off a couple of things that were on the schedule. We will try to go this week or next. I can't wait to see how happy she will be experiencing that! Keep praying for her and for her future. And check back again to see what we've been up to!

Busy, busy, busy!

Our days have been packed full lately! It has been so much fun watching her enjoy herself, especially with swimming. She loves to swim! I'm so thankful Philip's parents and my parents both have a pool. It was so neat to watch her eyes light up when she saw the pool in Philip's parent's backyard. She was amazed! She kind of had to sit down for a minute. And she kept saying "Wow!" while shaking her head. It really does make you appreciate the blessings God has given you even more when you see it through another's eyes. She wants to swim all the time. And Philip taught her to say, "Lets go swimming!" We hear that many times throughout a day! LOL

We also had a great time at church on the 4th of July. She really enjoyed all of the patriotic music! We, of course, went swimming later. She had lots of fun goofing around in the pool with everyone. She is definitely silly and likes to cut up! She pretty much stayed in the pool all day. And of course my "mother hen" instincts kicked in. I was worried about her getting sunburned, her skin is so fair compared to us. I'm sure I was pestering her by following her around spraying her with sunscreen a couple of times! But she tolerated it well. LOL! Later we had to almost drag her out of the pool promising that we would go see fireworks! We were all very tired and water logged, but we managed to "ooh and ahh" while we watched. She really enjoyed it. It was a wonderful holiday.

Monday she had a dentist appointment. She seemed impressed with all of the technology. She did very well during the cleaning. And she was happy when they told her she was a good brusher! Unfortunately she needs some work done. We had our first of four visits today. She has a couple of small cavities that the dentist wanted to fix before they became a problem. And he wanted to redo all of her past fillings as well. The quality of dentistry in these countries is usually not state of the art, and it was obvious in her work. He wanted her to have fillings that would last forever and wouldn't give her problems later. He really wanted to make sure that everything was done correctly. Dr. Pafford is such a wonderful dentist and I'm so thankful that he is donating his time and services. Santa on the other hand wasn't thrilled with everything. Well, who does like to have work done on their teeth? No one! She did well though considering she was probably scared out of her mind. I think it really stressed her out because she didn't want to go swimming this afternoon and wanted to take a nap. Of course her teeth were sore. After her nap though, she was back to her perky self.

I was also able to take Santa and meet with friends at a coffee shop the other night. One of them is fluent in Russian. And it was great to have someone translate so we could actually have a conversation. I learned more about her likes and dislikes (there aren't many dislikes). And she opened up and shared about her usual daily routine at the orphanage and school. She shared that her "group," which consists of 6 girls, helps cook and prepare meals in the kitchen every Wednesday night at the orphanage. They all rotate and help out in different areas on different nights. It was very interesting to learn more about her. We had a great time and I think she was happy to be able to chat away and answer questions while Inga interpreted for us. Santa is happy to be here and is having a great time. I'm happy to know that for sure! Thanks Inga! We'll have to do it again!

We were also pleasantly surprised that when we had our Bible time tonight she said she wanted to pray too! After she prayed, Philip asked her what she prayed about and we figured out that she prayed the Lord's Prayer! We are happy that she seems open to the things of the Lord. And we are continuing to pray for God to show Himself to her in a mighty way. We want her to know that she has a Heavenly Father that loves her very much. We are looking forward to see what God has in store for her.

We'll keep updating and sharing all that is happening with us. Please keep all of us in your prayers! (Hannah and Kayla have had to adjust too! They have another person trying to "mother" them right now too! Which has been a concern of Hannah's a couple of times. But they are handling everything better than I thought. I'm so thankful they seem to be taking it all in very well.) Check back later for more updates!